Tag: Confidence

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Encounters

MsWalsh3 Comments
Why did I let my neighbour erode my joy? Ok – scene – my apartment faces out to a carpark – that’s a spot of exaggeration – my apartment is built behind a row of houses and all the houses have their parking spaces at the back – so the view from one side of the apartment is all cars.  So headlights going on can blind you if you look the wrong way at the wrong time.  By now I’m used to it. Anyway – last year I said to a neighbour, if she sees me taking a photo of her car, I’m not really – I just like the way the headlights catch the light on the road after the rain.  If she thinks I’m being weird, don’t worry.  Now between the light changing and the weather not being what I’d like, curtains being pulled and not having a camera at the ready, I simply haven’t taken the photo – despite looking out the window several times and thinking oh that would have been nice. YESTERDAY! Yesterday I spotted that she had come back and then went out – which meant that she’d be coming back and it had been raining.  So I ran to get my camera – couldn’t get it to do what I wanted so decided the phone was probably the handiest, and all I had to do was wait for her to come back!  She came back and I grabbed my chance. As I finished she beeped, and I went out to her.  She asked what was I doing?  Of course me taking the photo means something to me – me telling her, I’ll take a photo of something, it’s not going to stay in her memory because it’s of no consequence.  So she insisted on me showing her the photo and looked at me as if I was making problems and told me I was crazy and repeated that as she walked away with an annoyed demeanour. I felt at a loss, to be told you’re crazy as in wacky fun etc is ok but to be told you’re crazy like it’s a bad thing, is not nice- it bothered me for the entire evening.  To make matters worse – it was also a rubbish photo – even by my standards.  It’s encounters like this that tend to make me go into myself, to hide away, to hide my interests, to hide who I am, to hide what I like.  So my next challenge to try and not let it upset me too much (- I won’t kid myself and say at all) I don’t take many photos for various reasons but I do love it, I wish I was better at it, in so many different ways – so the trick will be to continue to try to do the thing that I love. I know it’s just a misunderstanding – her of me and most likely me of her. This is the best I could do, out of sorts and just not feeling the love –
Bloggage · craft · Holidays · Life · Mental health · Notions · Photography

Self Confidence / Self Belief

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I’ve been trying to unpick this for a while and I’m not really getting anywhere, so I think I can say this is going to be a rambling.

I went on holiday recently and although I brought my camera but I didn’t take photos – well I took 4 or 5 but it was more a figuring out how to use the camera type of photo, not a photographing something for my memories.  Why??

I think that if you were to meet me you would not think I am shy – my mother sent me to the Girl Guides and drama classes in the hopes that it would help, it did in a manner of speaking.  But I’m the kind of person that doesn’t want to be noticed, doesn’t want to take up too much space.  I can’t handle criticism and I definitely don’t want praise.  The people who are most likely to do either, are people close to me, if they criticise I feel I have let them down and if they praise, I feel it’s too biased (we’ve all seen those talent shows where the parents think their child is the best thing since sliced bread, when they obviously aren’t).  I’ve also been a victim of the “Oh you should photograph this, no do it this way” by people who aren’t actually taking photos.  I say victim…. and yes, I’m busy trying to find my own way, but people in all of their oblivious good will, have steered me off of my own course and made me doubt myself.  I’m thinking, why is what I was doing not right? Why can’t I just turn around and say it’s of no interest to me, why don’t you take the photo?  Mind you that last sentence wouldn’t even have occurred to me a few years ago, I’d have just been a sheep being leeched of self-confidence.  Ok I have never said that sentence but at least it has occurred to me.

I also think that I have a slight touch of the autism – I haven’t had a diagnosis and I’m not interested in one, I am what I am and I work within my limitations.  One of those limitations is, I find it difficult to create.  I can recreate, that’s no bother ( again within the limitation of talent ) but initiating almost puts me into a paralysis – I know I want to do something but it’s behind frosted glass.  Because of this, crochet is easy because it predominantly relies on patterns, cooking less so, it has recipes but I can’t adjust them, however, Photography has too many obstacles for me.  Personality, mental capabilities, talent limits all conspire against me.  

I have a good camera, so the automatic assumption is, you must be a photographer – or is that something that is just in my head?  Anyway – I’m not, when I get a good photo it’s an accident.  On the other hand I’m not looking to take good photographs – I’m looking to be snap happy on my holidays but that means being seen and taking up space.  If I want to improve, that means practice, which means going out and taking photos…

So while I have a vague idea of what is the issue – me & my head, I’m not entirely sure how to get beyond it.  I might have to start with something that could almost be pre starting-line.  I might have to start wearing the camera outside and feel comfortable being seen with it.  

(I should also point out that I’m not confident to take up space while using my phone camera either)  

Maybe I should just put my earphones / earplugs in and become oblivious to everything around me and that might help me…

(Actually that’s a rather good idea to try!)

Bloggage · general · Life

I’m Back

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I’ve had a year of distraction between one thing and another.  However this morning it feels like I’m the old me again.  I didn’t wake ’til almost 09:00!  don’t you love a Saturday that doesn’t start early?  I’ve pottered about, had my breakfast.  I’ve started to use almond milk on my porridge – it’s a flavour combo I think works well together and the almond milk also reminds me of the Horchata we had when we were in Valencia earlier this year.  I’ve posted a photo over on my other blog Here, I’ve dipped into blog feeds I haven’t opened in months!  and I have a blanket on my hook that is calling to me.  I think all in all I’m starting to feel a lot more settled in myself and that makes me very happy.  Now I’m off to do a little of my Duolingo (one of the things that has occupied my time for the last year – I’m on a 233 day streak!) and then I have to actually start the day.

Have a great Saturday and here’s a lovely picture to start your… Afternoon!

Bloggage · Life · Photography

If I Was A Cat I’d Purr

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There are two things I love about getting my hair cut:-

  1.  Somebody washing my hair.  As the title suggests it really would make me purr, if I won the lottery this would be my luxury – having somebody wash my hair.  There is something so soothing about it.
  2. I no longer do a rather good impression of an old English Sheepdog  – think Dulux Dog!

As part of the eternal list of things I like, yesterday I got my hair cut.

Here’s how it turned out – I’m also rather impressed with the photos – who knew it was difficult to photograph the back of your own head!!